There’s a Lot to be Said For Total Honesty

20 03 2009

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I have now been unemployed for nearly three full months, and while it seems like years, I’m grateful that I’ve been allowed to gain both perspective and clarity of thought. Translation: I’m done “settling” and want a great job, despite the fact that staying at home with The Baby is starting to wear on me. As any job-hunter knows, the process entails being able to communicate one’s thoughts both clearly and professionally. However, wouldn’t it be great if we could tell employers what we really thought during the interview process? I’ve given this a great deal of thought, particularly since I hate writing cover letters. They’re painful to write and really, all I really want to do is beg them to just hire me already.  So, in a perfect world, this would be my cover letter:

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am writing to apply for the XXX position advertised on XXX.com.

While my resume shows that my background is perfectly suited to your job requirements, as are my career goals, I would like to talk about something more important – me. First and foremost, I am a good person. I don’t lie, cheat, or steal. I’m not the office d-bag that talks behind people’s backs, plus I put thought into what I pack for lunch so I don’t stink up the joint. Co-workers and clients like me – they think I’m a great girl who does amazing work.

I’m not a job-hopper, as I need stability in my life. I have an amazing little girl who tells me I’m her hero and I take that responsibility much more seriously than any job. I want to be someone she can respect and be proud to call her mommy.

Money is not an issue. Maybe that’s not entirely true, but I am willing to lower my asking price if you’ll just give me a chance. All I ask is that you pay me a salary that will help support my unfortunate gum habit. Yes, I am ashamed to admit that I am a chronic gum-chewer, but I have learned to chaw unobtrusively, plus it helps relieve the tension I feel under deadlines.

Can I do the job? Yes. Do I want the job? Absolutely. For the love of God, call me. I’ve been out of work for three months and my daughter is driving me insane with her incessant demands for Care Bears videos and trips to the playground.


Respectfully,

Me

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One response

24 03 2009
Jim

You had me at Inigo Montoya! Great post, honesty, HA!

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